my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
