He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
