P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
