he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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