we have pet lesbian snakes
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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