there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
