Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
