the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
