do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
