Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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