just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
