if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.