Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.