sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.