If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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