last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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