If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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