Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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