I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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