Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
