Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
