I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
