I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
