you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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