Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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