what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
