This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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