it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
