what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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