My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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