it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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