cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
