If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
