My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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