Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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