Plan B is the new Plan A
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
