What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
