Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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