remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
