he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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