my shit smells like andre
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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