she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
