you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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