the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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