I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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