i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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