he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
