guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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