can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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