I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
my poor anus
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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