I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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