The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
