Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
