She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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