I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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