My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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