dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
