i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
