i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
