He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
