I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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