On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
