My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
